A Farewell to Clothes

One day around the turn of the [21^st] century I wondered, “What if [famous author] had written [fairy tale]?” I wrote several and took a few to my writer’s group, where they were well received.

I came across them while de-cluttering my hard drive and wondered if I’d still be happy with them. If anything, I’d see how I have developed as a writer. (if I have.) Maybe I’d learn something. Maybe someone else would be able to use them to help their own writing. Worst case scenario, they could keep the blog going while I work on a larger and longer scale project for this space.

 

Over the next few months I’ll release a story every week or two. Today’s story follows.

 

 

A FAREWELL TO CLOTHES

(With apologies to Ernest Hemingway)

The emperor was a vain man who always made a show of his clothing. This made him a foolish man and a weak man. Strong and wise men do not give in to such conceit.

The emperor’s vanity was so great that he would not wear the same clothes twice. His clothes were not cheap. His clothes were well made and they were expensive. Damn fine clothes they were. But not good enough for him to wear twice. Not for the emperor.

When the emperor held court he regaled his visitors with stories of his youth. These stories always involved his clothing. How much better he had looked than this prince. How much more expensive his clothes had been than those of that duke. Which famous tailor had made his suit for this princess’ wedding.

He never spoke of women or of sport. He never engaged in contests of skill or stamina. He was weak in these areas and he knew it. He busied himself in the arena of clothing and its design. This was a woman’s arena and it made him a weak emperor. It made him subject to the errors of judgment those who do not exercise their manhood are prone to. The errors of judgment that would undo him.

It came to pass after many years that some confidence men heard of the emperor’s conceits in the area of attire. These were not scrupulous men. They were not men of conscience. They sorrowed for their actions no more than a dog feels remorse over eating the warm flesh of a still-breathing deer. In the emperor they saw wealth. Their wealth, there for the taking.

These men, named Jack and Nick, invested wisely. They invested in clothing. The clothing they invested in was calculated to impress even the emperor. The clothing was purchased from a land far away. It was a land where the emperor would have no knowledge of the tailor they used. This would be important. They would have to be able to pass the clothing off as their own.

Jack and Nick appeared at court one day. They knew the emperor would notice their finery. They did not approach him directly. They allowed themselves to be seen. They were seen by those who had the emperor’s ear. These people would speak to the emperor. The emperor would come.

A few days later an emissary of the emperor did come. The emperor wished to know where they had purchased their garments.

“We purchase no garments,” Nick said. “We wear only what we sew ourselves. No one else can meet our standards.”

“Would you be willing to meet our emperor and discuss this with him?” asked the emissary.

“Yes,” Nick said. “That is why we are here.”

When they met the emperor Jack did most of the talking. Jack was a good talker. He was a better talker than Nick. Jack could talk through any change in topic and any temper of conversation. Jack would do the talking.

The emperor was immediately impressed with their clothes. They did not wear the same clothes they had worn to court. The emperor would have recognized those. They had not the money to buy additional suits. They had bought a suit and a half each and were mixing combinations with each other. This made them appear to have more suits than they indeed had. The emperor was deceived, as he would be. He was a shallow man, barely a man at all. He had no stomach for manly things. It was like deceiving a child.

“These are fine clothes, very fine indeed,” the emperor said. He stroked the sleeve of Nick’s suit as he said it. The material felt smooth and comfortable to his hand. It was good material. There was none finer in the land.

“Yes, that is true, Your Majesty,” said Jack. “These are fine clothes. This is rich material. But the material we have for your garments is finer still.”

“Finer than this?” asked the emperor. “How can that be? I know of material, and I have felt none finer. This is damn fine material.” And it was, too.

“Yes, Your Majesty, it is true that you have felt none finer. None finer has been produced in any quantity. But we have a new process. By this process Nick and I can produce a material so fine it can only be felt by the most sensitive and discerning fingers. It will be so fine that it can only be seen by those of the utmost refinement and intellect. This material will set you apart from all others in your finery.”

The emperor, fop that he was, fell instantly under their spell. His reasoning had been dulled by years of sluggardly living during which he had not felt Death’s stale breath in his face even once. He was no match for the seductions of Jack’s enticements. He agreed instantly that Jack and Nick should have whatever they would need to create the material they had promised.

They would need a lot. They would need expensive and rare fibers. They would need hand-made equipment on which to spin these fibers. They would need to be left alone so that they could concentrate fully on their labors. And they would need money. They would need a great deal of money. They would need more money than anyone had ever conceived of paying for clothing of any kind. They justified the extreme amounts required by telling the emperor that they would work for no others while they toiled for him. They would make these garments exclusively for him.

The emperor was tricked by their seeming sincerity and devotion. He ordered that they receive everything they asked for. He decreed that they be given all the time they deemed necessary to complete their task. Then he went back to his routine of being half a man.

The two thieves deceived him as though tricking a small female child. They required more and more time. With each requested delay they told the emperor they were making the clothing more exquisite. He allowed this many times, believing in their promises of exquisite clothing. This insured his downfall as surely as if he had given them his permission to take as much of his money as they wished and return nothing to him for it.

He spoke often of the exquisite clothing he would soon wear. Wise men knew that he had been duped, or would soon be so. “Exquisite” is not a word for a man. It is a word, a good word, for a woman. A damn good word for a woman of some refinement. Not for a man. Certainly not for a man of power and never for a man who wishes to retain his power for long.

After many months Jack and Nick invited the emperor and his closest confidants to see what they had created. To see and to touch the beautiful garments that only those of supreme refinement and intellect and taste could see and touch. They were not disappointed in the response.

The emperor and his aides were speechless. They made various noises about the glorious clothing before them. They ran their fingers over material so soft and smooth that only the most sensitive of fingers could feel it. And they approved.

They approved of the clothing and its material because they were men of such refinement and intellect that they could not bring themselves to admit that they could not see or feel anything. This should not have been unexpected. Any man of any sense at all could have told them that there was nothing there. The looms had created ether. The hangers supported air. Any fool could see this.

But these men were not fools. They were the emperor and his most trusted associates. They could not see the truth, nor could they speak it even to themselves. To admit they could not see or feel this clothing would be to admit that they were not of the highest echelon of refinement. It would be to admit that they were common. It would be to admit that they had been duped. So they saw nothing, and admitted nothing by saying they saw all.

To celebrate the grand unveiling of the emperor’s new raiment, a grand parade was planned. Bands would play, maidens would dance, bulls would run in the streets. At the end of the parade the emperor would walk among his subjects, showing off the garments that only the best of them could see.

The parade was a grand success. Everyone in the realm turned out and no one could see the clothes. No one would admit to this. To admit to it would be admitting to being of a lower pedigree. In a land ruled by one such as this emperor, such issues were important. Appearances were what mattered. Drinks were something to be sipped under an umbrella, from a glass with an umbrella in it. There was no voice of reason to tell you to drink from the bottle. There was no one strong enough to fall asleep in the gutter while his own vomit dried on his chest hair before waking and starting over. It was that kind of weak place.

The parade had almost run its course when one spoke up. Not a man, still a child, but a masculine child not yet infected with the disease of propriety and sameness. This child was strong with the insight of youth. He was intolerant of falsity and façade. He was uncorrupted by position. He alone saw what all saw and could not admit. He could admit it and did. He shouted to all so that none could ignore him.

“Look,” he said bravely, with the courage of a youth whose self-image of immortality was still intact. “The emperor has no clothes!” And the emperor did not.

The ruse was over as soon as the boy’s shout rang through the square. Speaking the truth was the same as exposing the lie and this lie had seen adequate exposure already. All began to shout until even the emperor understood that he had been tricked into giving away large sums of money and walking naked through the streets.

The emperor spared no expense to have Jack and Nick found. They were tried and convicted and placed in the worst prison in the kingdom. Here they could make all of the clothing they wished. They could make it for the rats and cockroaches and other vermin that were their roommates and shared their food if they had not defecated into it first.

The emperor built many such prisons. In these prisons men could be punished as men deserved. Those who were strong enough were rehabilitated. Those whose weakness allowed them to be punished were punished. For those who had committed no crimes, he started a series of wars. In this manner they, too, could be tested to ensure their manhood would not be found wanting.

This was all done so his subjects would never again fall prey to weakness such as that to which he had succumbed. It was successful. All lived happily ever after. Those who did not live as long as they might have under the old regime shed their mortal remains honorably. Those who were injured, no matter how gravely, wore their scars, no matter how grotesque, proudly. They wore them as badges of honor, higher rewards than could be bestowed by any man arbitrarily. Their women honored them as they deserved to be honored, as warriors who would return with their shields or on them. The land thrived, all thanks to a small boy who would not be deceived.