Twenty Random Things About Me, by Sam Spade

1. After drinking with the Fat Man, I now sometimes say, "When."
2. I don't miss Archer. He used to eat lunch at a cheap Mexican joint and fart all afternoon.
3. I don't have to try to look tough. I always wear shoes two sizes too small. My feet are killing me.
4. My draft board classified me 4-F when they caught me coming out of Mitchell Brothers at four in the morning wearing nothing but a leather vest and chaps. I said I was working under cover. I don't think they believed me.
5. I wish San Fransisco had Thai Town. I hate Chinese food.
6. Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if I had met Joel Cairo under different circumstances.
7. I can talk out of the other side of my mouth if I want to. I just never want to.
8. I might have played the sap for Ingrid Bergman.
9. I never said that "Stuff that dreams are made of" bunk. Polhaus made that up so people would think we were tight.
10. Mrs. Spade didn't raise any children dippy enough to make guesses in front of a district attorney and a stenographer, but I do sometimes roll naked on the beach in the moonlight.
11. I put little umbrellas in the glass whenever I drink alone, even if it's straight bourbon.
12. I'm jealous Mike Hammer gets all the broads.
13. Some days I think I should have stayed a Continental Op.
14. That smart ass Jake Gittes drives up from LA twice a year just to ask me what it was like in "the old days." I hate him.
15. Some people think it's deep, but I have no idea what that Flitcraft story means.
16. Sometimes late at night I think about Iva Archer and Effie Perrine together.
17. I invented the word "gunsel" but no one gives me credit for it.
18. I smelled Brigid's undies when I searched her room.
19. Marlowe is always working on chess problems, but I whip his ass whenever we play.
20. I knew Brigid was lying, and I never thought $200 was more than enough to make it all right. That was all Archer's idea, the hound.

(Thanks to John McFetridge for the idea.)