One day around the turn of the [21st] century I
wondered, “What if [famous author] had written [fairy tale]?” I wrote several
and took a few to my writer’s group, where they were well received.
I came across them while de-cluttering my hard drive and
wondered if I’d still be happy with them. If anything, I’d see how I have
developed as a writer. (if I have.) Maybe I’d learn something. Maybe someone
else would be able to use them to help their own writing. Worst case scenario, they
could keep the blog going while I work on a larger and longer scale project for
this space.
Over the next few months I’ll release a story every week or two.
Today’s story follows.
A
FAREWELL TO CLOTHES
(With
apologies to Ernest Hemingway)
The emperor was a vain man who always made a show of his clothing.
This made him a foolish man and a weak man. Strong and wise men do not give in
to such conceit.
The emperor’s vanity was so great that he would
not wear the same clothes twice. His clothes were not cheap. His clothes were
well made and they were expensive. Damn fine clothes they were. But not good
enough for him to wear twice. Not for the emperor.
When the emperor held court he regaled his
visitors with stories of his youth. These stories always involved his clothing.
How much better he had looked than this prince. How much more expensive his
clothes had been than those of that duke. Which famous tailor had made his suit
for this princess’ wedding.
He never spoke of women or of sport. He never
engaged in contests of skill or stamina. He was weak in these areas and he knew
it. He busied himself in the arena of clothing and its design. This was a woman’s
arena and it made him a weak emperor. It made him subject to the errors of
judgment those who do not exercise their manhood are prone to. The errors of
judgment that would undo him.
It came to pass after many years that some
confidence men heard of the emperor’s conceits in the area of attire. These
were not scrupulous men. They were not men of conscience. They sorrowed for
their actions no more than a dog feels remorse over eating the warm flesh of a
still-breathing deer. In the emperor they saw wealth. Their wealth, there for
the taking.
These men, named Jack and Nick, invested wisely.
They invested in clothing. The clothing they invested in was calculated to
impress even the emperor. The clothing was purchased from a land far away. It
was a land where the emperor would have no knowledge of the tailor they used.
This would be important. They would have to be able to pass the clothing off as
their own.
Jack and Nick appeared at court one day. They
knew the emperor would notice their finery. They did not approach him directly.
They allowed themselves to be seen. They were seen by those who had the emperor’s
ear. These people would speak to the emperor. The emperor would come.
A few days later an emissary of the emperor did
come. The emperor wished to know where they had purchased their garments.
“We purchase no garments,” Nick said. “We wear
only what we sew ourselves. No one else can meet our standards.”
“Would you be willing to meet our emperor and
discuss this with him?” asked the emissary.
“Yes,” Nick said. “That is why we are here.”
When they met the emperor Jack did most of the
talking. Jack was a good talker. He was a better talker than Nick. Jack could
talk through any change in topic and any temper of conversation. Jack would do
the talking.
The emperor was immediately impressed with their
clothes. They did not wear the same clothes they had worn to court. The emperor
would have recognized those. They had not the money to buy additional suits.
They had bought a suit and a half each and were mixing combinations with each
other. This made them appear to have more suits than they indeed had. The
emperor was deceived, as he would be. He was a shallow man, barely a man at
all. He had no stomach for manly things. It was like deceiving a child.
“These are fine clothes, very fine indeed,” the
emperor said. He stroked the sleeve of Nick’s suit as he said it. The material
felt smooth and comfortable to his hand. It was good material. There was none
finer in the land.
“Yes, that is true, Your Majesty,” said Jack. “These
are fine clothes. This is rich material. But the material we have for your
garments is finer still.”
“Finer than this?” asked the emperor. “How can
that be? I know of material, and I have felt none finer. This is damn fine
material.” And it was, too.
“Yes, Your Majesty, it is true that you have felt
none finer. None finer has been produced in any quantity. But we have a new
process. By this process Nick and I can produce a material so fine it can only
be felt by the most sensitive and discerning fingers. It will be so fine that
it can only be seen by those of the utmost refinement and intellect. This
material will set you apart from all others in your finery.”
The emperor, fop that he was, fell instantly
under their spell. His reasoning had been dulled by years of sluggardly living
during which he had not felt Death’s stale breath in his face even once. He was
no match for the seductions of Jack’s enticements. He agreed instantly that
Jack and Nick should have whatever they would need to create the material they
had promised.
They would need a lot. They would need expensive
and rare fibers. They would need hand-made equipment on which to spin these
fibers. They would need to be left alone so that they could concentrate fully
on their labors. And they would need money. They would need a great deal of
money. They would need more money than anyone had ever conceived of paying for
clothing of any kind. They justified the extreme amounts required by telling
the emperor that they would work for no others while they toiled for him. They
would make these garments exclusively for him.
The emperor was tricked by their seeming
sincerity and devotion. He ordered that they receive everything they asked for.
He decreed that they be given all the time they deemed necessary to complete
their task. Then he went back to his routine of being half a man.
The two thieves deceived him as though tricking a
small female child. They required more and more time. With each requested delay
they told the emperor they were making the clothing more exquisite. He allowed
this many times, believing in their promises of exquisite clothing. This
insured his downfall as surely as if he had given them his permission to take
as much of his money as they wished and return nothing to him for it.
He spoke often of the exquisite clothing he would
soon wear. Wise men knew that he had been duped, or would soon be so. “Exquisite”
is not a word for a man. It is a word, a good word, for a woman. A damn good
word for a woman of some refinement. Not for a man. Certainly not for a man of
power and never for a man who wishes to retain his power for long.
After many months Jack and Nick invited the
emperor and his closest confidants to see what they had created. To see and to
touch the beautiful garments that only those of supreme refinement and
intellect and taste could see and touch. They were not disappointed in the
response.
The emperor and his aides were speechless. They
made various noises about the glorious clothing before them. They ran their
fingers over material so soft and smooth that only the most sensitive of
fingers could feel it. And they approved.
They approved of the clothing and its material
because they were men of such refinement and intellect that they could not
bring themselves to admit that they could not see or feel anything. This should
not have been unexpected. Any man of any sense at all could have told them that
there was nothing there. The looms had created ether. The hangers supported
air. Any fool could see this.
But these men were not fools. They were the
emperor and his most trusted associates. They could not see the truth, nor
could they speak it even to themselves. To admit they could not see or feel
this clothing would be to admit that they were not of the highest echelon of
refinement. It would be to admit that they were common. It would be to admit
that they had been duped. So they saw nothing, and admitted nothing by saying
they saw all.
To celebrate the grand unveiling of the emperor’s
new raiment, a grand parade was planned. Bands would play, maidens would dance,
bulls would run in the streets. At the end of the parade the emperor would walk
among his subjects, showing off the garments that only the best of them could
see.
The parade was a grand success. Everyone in the
realm turned out and no one could see the clothes. No one would admit to this.
To admit to it would be admitting to being of a lower pedigree. In a land ruled
by one such as this emperor, such issues were important. Appearances were what
mattered. Drinks were something to be sipped under an umbrella, from a glass
with an umbrella in it. There was no voice of reason to tell you to drink from
the bottle. There was no one strong enough to fall asleep in the gutter while
his own vomit dried on his chest hair before waking and starting over. It was
that kind of weak place.
The parade had almost run its course when one
spoke up. Not a man, still a child, but a masculine child not yet infected with
the disease of propriety and sameness. This child was strong with the insight
of youth. He was intolerant of falsity and façade. He was uncorrupted by
position. He alone saw what all saw and could not admit. He could admit it and
did. He shouted to all so that none could ignore him.
“Look,” he said bravely, with the courage of a
youth whose self-image of immortality was still intact. “The emperor has no
clothes!” And the emperor did not.
The ruse was over as soon as the boy’s shout rang
through the square. Speaking the truth was the same as exposing the lie and
this lie had seen adequate exposure already. All began to shout until even the
emperor understood that he had been tricked into giving away large sums of
money and walking naked through the streets.
The emperor spared no expense to have Jack and
Nick found. They were tried and convicted and placed in the worst prison in the
kingdom. Here they could make all of the clothing they wished. They could make
it for the rats and cockroaches and other vermin that were their roommates and
shared their food if they had not defecated into it first.
The emperor built many such prisons. In these
prisons men could be punished as men deserved. Those who were strong enough
were rehabilitated. Those whose weakness allowed them to be punished were
punished. For those who had committed no crimes, he started a series of wars.
In this manner they, too, could be tested to ensure their manhood would not be
found wanting.
This was all done so his subjects would never
again fall prey to weakness such as that to which he had succumbed. It was
successful. All lived happily ever after. Those who did not live as long as
they might have under the old regime shed their mortal remains honorably. Those
who were injured, no matter how gravely, wore their scars, no matter how
grotesque, proudly. They wore them as badges of honor, higher rewards than
could be bestowed by any man arbitrarily. Their women honored them as they
deserved to be honored, as warriors who would return with their shields or on
them. The land thrived, all thanks to a small boy who would not be deceived.
