Rob Hart, Author of Three Hitmen and a Baby

 Today marks the launch of the third book in Rob Hart’s Assassins Anonymous series, Three Hitmen and a Baby. I’ve known Rob for several years and was a little surprised when it dawned on me I’d never had him on the blog. Today’s interview corrects that oversight.

 

For those who don’t know, Rob worked as a publisher for MysteriousPress.com and was a class director at LitReactor. He is the author of The Paradox Hotel, a finalist for the Lambda Literary Award that was named one of the best books of 2022 by NPR; The Warehouse, which sold in more than twenty languages around the world; the Ash McKenna series of private eye novels; and more other woks than space permits, and, since this is the Internet, space permits a lot.

 

One Bite at a Time: Welcome to the blog, Rob. I was at Yonder the night you test drove the first chapter of Assassins Anonymous. Like everyone else there, I was blown away. I know better then to ask an author where they get their ideas, but I need to know how you came up with a twelve-step recovery program for professional killers.

 

Rob Hart: For a very long time I had an idea on the backburner of my brain, about a bunch of assassins in some kind of group therapy setting. I thought it would be funny to take a bunch of characters like that and stick them in a circle to talk about their feelings. One day it dawned on me that I could do that with the recovery process—which includes both steps and an amends process, which creates a bit of a container for the story. As soon as I thought of it in those terms, pretty much the whole thing clicked.

 

OBAAT: The books are violent and laugh-out-loud funny, sometimes simultaneously. How are you able to combine the two without detracting from the effect of either?

 

RH: I just think that’s where my voice falls naturally. I like to have a good time and laugh, but I also like to consider things seriously. Sometimes it takes a little modulation in the editing process, but for the most part, these books are just a joy to write.

 

OBAAT: Among the many things that makes this series special is how Mark keeps finding himself in mortal danger and has to get out of it without killing anyone, yet you never ask the reader to suspend too much disbelief. Do you outline those scenes, storyboard them, rehearse them, consult with martial arts and weapons experts, meditate, what?

 

RH: That part is a ton of fun. I do have a fighting background—I train in Muay Thai, but also previously trained in Krav Maga, and dabbled in BJJ and boxing. So in terms of how to choreograph a fight scene, what happens to the human body, etc… that’s all me just pulling from experience.

 

I do occasionally storyboard stuff, if it’s a bigger action sequence, because geography is important to a good action scene. And I do a lot of research, both on lethal and non-lethal weapons. But that’s the thing: the more limitations you have, the more creative you have to be. Shooting someone in the head is easy; sending Mark into a room full of people wielding guns, and he has to make it out without dying and without killing anyone? That takes some effort. But it also makes things way more fun.

 

OBAAT: On a panel at Left Coast Crime in 2025 you said you do an editing pass of your books working from the last chapter to the first. I’ve done that on my most recent books and now swear by it. What does the back-to-front approach accomplish for you and what made you think of it?

 

RH: I honestly don’t know; I can’t remember if I thought of it, or if someone suggested it to me. But, yes, starting with the last chapter and moving through to the front of the book is something I usually do on the third of fourth pass of editing. It puts fresh energy into the ending, and it helps to see things out of order sometimes, so you can think differently about how the plot fits together.

 

OBAAT: As a PI fiction guy, I have to ask what the deal is with Ash McKenna. The books are clearly collectors’ items, as I see them online with prices ranging from $30 to almost $60.

 

RH: I’m not sure anyone is actually paying that, but god bless ‘em if they are…

 

When Polis folded I held onto the rights. We poked around a little, and a lot of places interested in putting out a five-book backlist also want a new book to go with it. I’m not interested in writing more Ash at the moment—I like the ending I gave him—and my other stuff is already tied up.

 

But also, the books are being developed for TV. The team behind it is brilliant, the pilot script is amazing. So I’m going to hold onto them a little while longer. They’re a scratch-off lotto ticket at this point. If the show moves forward, they could be worth a lot more.

 

Those books will be back eventually. I’m just not currently in a rush.

 

OBAAT: What’s next for you? Will there be more in the Assassins Anonymous franchise?

 

RH: Indeed! So the third book, Three Hitmen and a Baby, comes out imminently. (Editor’s Note: ‘Imminently’ = today.) The fourth is called City of Killers. It’s set in Bangkok, and it’s a very fun premise, plus has a very cool payoff for people who’ve read all the books. That should be out in June 2027.

 

After that, I’m out of contract. If the series continues to do well and there’s an appetite for more and I still have ideas—sure, I’d love to write these characters for a long time. But the market dictates. So if you really want to make sure Mark and his friends stay alive, buy multiple copies, give them as gifts, tell friends, leave reviews… every little bit helps.

John Steinbeck and Me

I’ve been wanting to dip my toe back into the blog pool for a while now, but blogging is much like exercising: the longer you go without doing it, the harder it is to start again.

 

Tidying my hard drive in anticipation of a new laptop, I was surprised to find how many writing tips from my betters (read: just about everyone who can spell)I have compiled over the years.

 

Thus was born as misguided an idea as you are likely to find on the Internet outside of anything posted by Donald Trump. Using these tips from famous writers as fodder, I’m going to post my own thoughts about them, mostly how they relate to my writing, if at all. This could be an educational exercise, in which case yay for me. It could also be a catastrophe, in which case yay for you, as it’s always fun to watch someone else crash and burn when it’s their own damn fault.

 Today’s installment looks at six writing tips from John Steinbeck.

 Abandon the idea that you are ever going to finish. Lose track of the 400 pages and write just one page for each day, it helps. Then when it gets finished, you are always surprised.

This is a variation of the dictum The Beloved Spouse™ taught me years ago: eat the elephant one bite at a time. I don’t think I could have written seventeen novels any other way.

 

Write freely and as rapidly as possible and throw the whole thing on paper. Never correct or rewrite until the whole thing is down. Rewrite in process is usually found to be an excuse for not going on. It also interferes with flow and rhythm which can only come from a kind of unconscious association with the material.

This may be the one tenet I observe most religiously, so much so some first drafts look more like screenplays, as I leave notes for what needs to be filled in so I don’t lose momentum.

 

Forget your generalized audience. In the first place, the nameless, faceless audience will scare you to death and in the second place, unlike the theater, it doesn’t exist. In writing, your audience is one single reader. I have found that sometimes it helps to pick out one person—a real person you know, or an imagined person and write to that one.

This is something I learned as a musician when a performance wasn’t going as well as I liked. I’d pick a single person in the audience, typically in the back row, and play just for them. As a trumpeter, this made me project, which forced me to breathe and phrase properly regardless of the volume. It works just as well for writing, even if the single person in my imaginary audience is me.

 

If a scene or a section gets the better of you and you still think you want it — bypass it and go on. When you have finished the whole you can come back to it and then you may find that the reason it gave trouble is because it didn’t belong there.

See my response to Number Two above. It’s not unheard of for me to go back, complete the chapter, then throw it away in a later draft.

 

Beware of a scene that becomes too dear to you, dearer than the rest. It will usually be found that it is out of drawing.

Steinbeck’s version of ‘kill your darlings.’ I cut a whole chapter from the final draft of the work in progress, even though I really wanted it in there, so much so I made excuses to keep it in all previous drafts. Reading through it this time, knowing it was my last chance to make changes, forced me to realize that, while well-written and entertaining, it did not move the story and did not tell us anything about the characters we didn’t already know.

 

If you are using dialogue—say it aloud as you write it. Only then will it have the sound of speech.

It used to scare The Beloved Spouse™ when she’d hear me arguing with myself behind a closed door. It probably still does – as it should – but even she agrees it makes the books better.

 

I enjoyed this exercise more than I thought I would. I hope you did, too.

 

 

Winter's Favorite Reads

 This is a shorter quarterly list than usual. That doesn’t mean read any less, or that I didn’t like as many books. I’m a Shamus judge this year, so my reading time has been consumed by award submissions and I don’t think it’s appropriate to single any of them out until the short list has been announced. Those books will be noted in a future “Favorite Reads” post.

 

The Blooding, Joseph Wambaugh. An examination of the first homicides solves through DNA analysis. Two young women were brutally murdered in only a few minutes from the English university where the scientific breakthrough was made, allowing their cases to be used to prove the theories. Fascinating from start to finish and told in Wambaugh’s avuncular yet riveting style. I never met the man, though we corresponded once, but I was truly sad when I learned of his death last year. He was a national treasure for both his fiction and non-fiction writing, and the crime writing community owes him more than can be expressed.

 

The Fatal Saving Grace, Jim Nesbvitt. It took nerve to reintroduce loose cannon private eye Ed Earl Burch into a formal law enforcement setting, but Nesbitt shows the inevitable friction while also displaying the ways in which Ed Earl was a stud cop in his day. The supporting cast plays well off of the protagonist and the dialog is always entertaining without drawing attention to itself. Nesbitt also creates a sense of place reminiscent of the movie Hell or High Water, though this story takes place farther west. I’m going to have to go back and look into some of the books I missed in this series while I wait for the next one, and I am waiting for the next one.

 

Hang on St. Christopher, Adrian McKinty. Book Eight of the Sean Dufffy trilogy. (That was the author’s original plan. The first three went so well he couldn’t stop, and we’re all better off because of it.) Duffy is a Catholic cop in Northern Ireland during The Troubles, which means he has to check his car for bombs every time he gets in. The friction between Duffy and the protestant cops has pretty much died down, but no one else he deals with during an investigation trusts him, including Special Branch. McKinty creates a sense of time and place like few others, and Duffy is a fascinating and always growing character. Let’s hope the author has at least one more of these in him.

 

The Last Exile, Sam Wiebe. Book Five of the Wakeland series picks up where Sunset and Jericho left off, with Dave Wakeland having left the agency he was running with partner Jeff Chen. The book starts with Wakeland living in Montreal and returning to Vancouver to help Chen’s cousin, lawyer Shuzhen Chen. What starts as a protection job soon enmeshes Wakeland with a ruthless motorcycle gang as he learns the agency is in the midst of going under, due in large part to an unscrupulous real estate developer. Wiebe always makes the Wakeland novels about more than the case, and The Last Exile is no exception.

An Interview With Charlie Stella, Author of Raskin's World

 It’s Friday the Thirteenth, and what better way to show this blog is uncowed by superstition than by having our favorite guest, another man uncowed by anything, although much of that has to do with how much younger and inexperienced he is than me. of course, I’m talking about the Godfather of Mob Fiction, Charlie Stella.

 

One Bite at a Time: Welcome back, Charlie. You’re one of the most popular interviews we do here at OBAAT, both with readers and with me. It’s always good to chat with you.

 

Raskin’s World is a bit of  departure for you, as none of the primary POV characters are ‘criminals’ in the way most people think of the word, though one is a serious grifter. Why the change?

Charlie Stella: I’ve worked in law firms most of my word processing life (about 41 years) and I always found it interesting how lawyers, for the most part, are a lot more like the rest of us (good and bad), than some of them like to think. Many assume they are above and beyond because of that degree, and that they are protected by a shield, a legal degree, that is respected for all the wrong reasons. Raskin’s World isn’t a condemnation of lawyers. It’s more a reality check. I guess it’s my verismo opera. Some of those MF’ers should be slapped once in a while to bring them back around. I’ve met a few who are very decent people and not ideological morons.

 

OBAAT: Looking at it from the writing side, did you have to change anything about your approach or process for Raskin’s World?

CS: I had to rely on a bit more narrative than I’m used to using. I changed the ending several times at the suggestion of my wife and publisher. It was much darker originally. I couldn’t escape the mob after all, but that Chekhov bit about using something that is introduced early to be used at the end worked for me. One gun is introduced late in the novel, but early enough in a scene toward the end to think, “Chekov.” I probably liked that particular Carol ending (I just had to make sure I had her name right) more than I probably should, but I did enjoy writing it.

 

OBAAT: You mentioned how long you worked in law firms. How much of that experience is depicted in Raskin’s World, either directly or by influence?

CS: A lot of it. One place went through a Jerry situation (had to check for his name too—what happens almost immediately after I start a new project, I forget the old ones). It’s really no different than what happens everywhere. Again, verismo opera.

 

OBAAT: Near as I can figure, Raskin’s World is your fourteenth novel, plus a non-fiction ‘as told to’ book. (Dogfella.) What keeps you going, and how many books are stacked up in your imagination waiting for you to find time to write them?

CS: I’ve got at least that many that were total failures, about 3 or 4 now that have been rejected, etc. Moving away from mob exclusive novels seems to go with the times. The more irrelevant the mob becomes, and we realize how much worse a government is regarding all matters of corruption and violence, the less interesting the mob is to me (and the more I want to write more Declan type novels). There are some truly horrible people within the mob world, but they collectively can’t hold a jockstrap compared to a government that would arm a genocide.

 

OBAAT: I don’t know if I’ve ever asked you what got you to start writing for publication in the first place, so here goes: What got you to start writing for publication in the first place?

CS: Dave Gresham. My English teacher in Minot, North Dakota, where I went to play football. He was so smart, so charismatic, so interesting, I thought: Maybe I shouldn’t be a dumbski the rest of my life. He entered something I wrote into a college magazine or something. It got an honorable mention, I think, which had to make it a charity project, probably by Dave. Anyway, I probably started getting serious after that and I remember him telling me, “Once you see your name in print, you’ll want it forever.” Something like that. He was right. Getting published for me was a goal at first and I didn’t think I had a prayer at it. Then it became an obsession … and the right thing happened at the right time in my life. I was seeking an excuse to get out of a bad marriage and a bad lifestyle … and I took a job at a Manhattan law firm working midnights and crossed over with my wife (she was working a split shift). Luckiest thing that ever happened to me. I wrote Eddie’s World (my first published novel) to impress her. Ann Marie puts up with my insanity, but she’s no fan of dumbskis.

 

OBAAT: Dave Gresham got the ball rolling and we’ve spoken before of the influences of Elmore Leonard and George V. Higgins. Who else has been influential in inspiring you and developing your style?

CS: Writers who were so impressive to me are the guys and gals I could never be as good as (FACT), and that goes back in time to the present. Steinbeck, Dostoevsky, that Chekov fella, Roth, Updike, etc. and today I’d say guys like yourself (talk about great dialogue), Lynn Kostoff, Michael Harris, Ben Whitmer, Merle Drown … more, I’m sure, but I’m brain farting right now. Edibles are taking a toll on my memory, but they do keep me calm watching football and they help me sleep.

 

OBAAT: Following up on the previous question, who do you read and why?

CS: It’s been a big change in my life. The MFA program was worth gold to me for who I was introduced to as a reader. I’d get a suggestion to read a book or two by a specific author, and I’d read as many of their works as possible (Alice Munro, Raymond Carver, Patricia Highsmith, Richard Bausch, that Chekov fella again, Hemingway, etc.) I read my ass off for a few years after the program. Then, a few years ago, I switched over to my political heroes and their writings. I did a TON of research on Zionism (several years). These days I’m reading a lot of leftover New Yorker articles on the throne because I’m too busy writing Declan (new novel) and researching, plus Facebook posts that keep me engaged. Last week I read one about that psychotic lunatic, Laura Loomer. Sweet Jesus, what a fucking nutjob.

 

OBAAT: The inevitable final question for any interview: what’s next?

CS: It’s called Declan and I owe you and the great Irish author Declan Burke for the title. I was fishing for a title, and you had him up on your page. It is an anti-ICE novel/get off your asses America novel, and I’m just beyond the halfway point. It’s about the American people finding the stones to do what is necessary to end this fascist bullshit in the streets. ICE thugs are nothing but bottom of the barrel losers with a passion to fulfill their racist, macho, misogynistic fantasies out in real life, and they’ve been granted that ability, with immunity, to beat on women, the elderly, and everybody else. How many “proud boys” and “oath keepers” are working as ICE thugs? Punks with badges. Declan features an actual resistance the likes of which we’ve yet to see in America, except for the Black Panthers who have armed themselves and are daring the punks with badges to give them a try. Declan starts with some Native Americans taking it to ICE thugs, and their actions begin to resonate with others. An Irish American family is the focal point (the Doyles) and how they are affected by it all (one of their sisters is killed by a reckless ICE agent trying to kill someone else, and her sister is wounded). That’s the start-off point. It’s been a lot of fun to write, and the research has been so enlightening, including what a Browning M2. .50 can do. (smiley face). I thought I might finish it before the Super Bowl, but it’ll take another month or so. As a change-up, I’m having my daughter give me feedback as I write it. My wife and my personal editor, Merle Drown, will get it when I’m comfortable with an ending.

 

Thanks for this. Always appreciated.

 

OBAAT: No more than I appreciate you taking the time. I’m looking forward to Declan and hope you’ll come back to talk about it when it’s out.

Raskin's World drops on April 3.

An Interview With Dana King, Author of the Nick Forte Novels

 One Bite at a Time: Criminal Econ 101 is your seventh Nick Forte novel. How long do you think you’ll continue to write this character?

Dana King: I have another in progress now. After that he’ll appear in at least one of the upcoming Penns River novels. Beyond that, we’ll see. A few years ago I didn’t know I’d write as many Fortes as I have already. It all depends on what ideas I get that are best suited for him and how long I continue to write. I am seventy years old, you know.

 

OBAAT: Forte is a throwback, tough guy private investigator. Why not make him more in line with the recent zeitgeist of more woke, less violent detectives?

DK: Because the PIs I read that made me want to write these stories were in the classic mold. Sam Spade, Philip Marlowe, The Continental Op, Spenser, Patrick Kenzie, Elvis Cole. They all have unique personalities and handle many things differently from each other, but they’re all guys who will talk a problem out for only so long. It should also be pointed out that Forte is not insensitive. He’s just willing to tune up those who need it.

 

OBAAT: You didn’t mention Mike Hammer.

DK: Mickey Spillane had a lot to do with me starting into writing, but as I developed novels I found Hammer’s approach and Spillane’s style had become stereotypical and hard to write around without sounding derivative. I haven’t read a Hammer novel in a long time. The last one I read seemed stylistically dated, but that’s the fault of all the imitators since. I also tried to watch Hill Street Blues and Moonlighting a few years ago and couldn’t get into them. Other shows have taken what they did and refined it to the point where some things in the originals seem almost primitive. That doesn’t mean I love and respect those shows any less. Same with Spillane and Hammer.

 

OBAAT: You said Mickey Spillane had a lot to do with you starting to write. Where did the idea for Nick Forte come from and how did Mickey Spillane influence that?

DK: I used to be a professional musician. Trumpet player. My career, such as it was, ended and I was looking for a creative outlet when a good friend complained about an audition being rigged. Understand, that doesn’t mean anything underhanded went on. Mostly it meant some people thought the orchestra already knew who they wanted and went through the motions of holding auditions, which meant a hundred fifty trumpet players had to pay to fly in from wherever to audition for a job they had no chance of getting.

 

Looking at such things from the outside as I was after quitting, I thought of an idea for a private eye who was knowledgeable about the ins and outs of the instrumental music business, called in to investigate a shady audition; my closest friends got thinly disguised characters based on them.

 

For the detective’s name, ‘Forte’ was an obvious choice. It means ‘loud’ in music, but is literally ‘strong’ in Italian. I chose ‘Nick’ because I needed a name that worked with an Italian surname and had the punch to it a hard consonant provides.

 

I spent a weekend binging the first three Mike Hammer novels and wrote the story in a week as both an homage and a satire. It was so well received by my friends I wrote another for the job I was working at the time, then another for the job I went to from there. A few people encouraged me to try my hand at a novel. As almost all writers do, I wrote a couple that will never see the light of day, though one was able to garner me an agent. The third was A Small Sacrifice, which earned a Shamus nomination, so I figured I knew what I was doing.

 

OBAAT: Readers tend to give Forte a pass for some of his more egregious transgressions thanks to the relationship he has with his daughter, Caroline. Was that something you deliberately set out to do?

DK: It’s a funny thing, how writing works sometimes. I didn’t set out to do that, but as I revised the book I saw how a close relationship with his daughter leavened Forte’s character. I’, a divorced father myself and used that to add some depth and occasional lessening of tension. Almost everything Nick and Caroline do in the books is drawn from things I’ve done with my own daughter, Rachel. I chose the name ‘Caroline’ for Nick’s daughter because it was first runner-up for a middle name for Rachel.

 

OBAAT: I asked Nick Forte in a recent interview how he “reconciled the loving father [Caroline] knows with the violent man others may see and she’s learning about through the Internet?” He told me I should ask you. Okay, I will. How does he do it?

DK: Forte doesn’t need to reconcile a thing. He is who and what he is. Like anyone else, he conducts himself differently in different situations and he takes those situations, and the people in them, as he finds them. When he’s with Caroline, he’s a loving father. When he’s with someone who needs sorted out, he’s more than capable. We all have multiple sides to our personalities.

 

OBAAT: Forte ‘guest stars’ in a couple of your Penns River novels. (Grind Joint and The Spread.) How did that come about and what makes it work, in your opinion?

DK: In Grind Joint I needed a character to color outside the lines a little so that the lead detective in Penns River, Ben ‘Doc’ Dougherty, could remain true to himself and still get the book to come out right. I’d written four Forte novels by that time, and Nick was perfect, so I made him Doc’s first cousin to make the relationship closer and explain how this Chicago PI comes to a little town in Western Pennsylvania precisely when they need him most..

 

OBAAT: You’ve twice been nominated for Shamus Awards by the Private Eye Writers of America, and this year you’re on one of the awards committees. What does PWA mean to you?

DK: Private eye fiction may be the most uniquely American literary genre. The Irish author Declan Hughes – creator of the Ed Loy books – gave an impassioned speech at Bouchercon in 2008 about how, when done right, the PI novel is the highest form of crime fiction. Declan made me proud to write PI stories.

 

What Bob Randisi began with the intent of keeping the genre vital is, to me, a noble thing. The annual banquets were special, and I miss them since they were discontinued after COVID. They were opportunities for the True Believers to get together and celebrate what their peers were doing to keep the genre alive. I hope someday they’ll start up again.

 

As for the awards, Bob was open to self- and independently published writers submitting when no one else was. MWA wouldn’t consider me for membership and I had two Shamus nominations.

 

The Shamuses are also among the few awards that are not popularity contests, as they are decided by an author’s peers. It’s an honor to have been asked to serve on an awards committee. It allows me an opportunity to give back to the genrewhile acknowledging I have been a worthy contributor to it. That’s something sales alone cannot deliver.

An Interview With Private Investigator Nick Forte

One Bite at a Time: Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way right off the bat: you’ve killed several men. How do you feel about that?

Nick Forte: I don’t feel good about it, but I’m not losing sleep, either. Remember, I wouldn’t be here to answer that question if I hadn’t taken care of those guys.

 

OBAAT: You’re a throwback to an earlier age of detectives; some might call you a dinosaur. How do you justify your methods?

NF: I don’t need to justify myself to anyone except as the law may require. I do what I feel has to be done at the time. If there are repercussions, I’ll deal with them as they come up.

 

OBAAT: Your daughter Caroline figures prominently in these novels. How has your relationship with her evolved as she grows, and how do you reconcile the loving father she knows with the violent man others may see and she’s learning about through the Internet?

NF: What’s between Caroline and me is between Caroline and me. Next question.

 

OBAAT: But she’s a key element of your books.

NF: I don’t write the books. King does. You want to know why he writes them the way he does, ask him.

 

OBAAT: Are you a violent man?

NF: Do you mean do I go out looking for opportunities to be violent? No. I will say I have the potential for violence and people would do well not to provoke me beyond a certain point. A friend once said I am the poster child for ‘fuck around and find out.’ I can’t argue with that.

 

OBAAT: It’s safe to say your closest friend and confidant is Timothy “Goose” Satterwhite, a collector and enforcer for various crime entities on the South Side of Chicago. You were a police officer and consider yourself to be working on the side of the angels. How do you reconcile the close association with such a known violent criminal?

NF: Tim Satterwhite has pulled me out of more scrapes than I have fingers to count. I know there are people who wonder how we can be friends, but the kind of work I do doesn’t bring me into contact with a lot of priests or schoolteachers or caregivers. I take my friends where I find them.

 

OBAAT: You seem to be more inclined to take the law into your own hands as the series goes on. How do you justify that?

NF: The law tells what’s legal, not what’s just. Among the things that frustrated me as a cop was that I was constrained to work on what followed the law and not what the end result would be. As a private operator I can do a little more to see to it that people who need a better deal get one. And, sometimes, that those who were planning to escape justice have it applied to them.

From (Criminal) Econ 101, Chapter 3

 The aspect of the Nick Forte novels I am most often complimented on is the relationship between Nick and his daughter, Caroline. Caroline is growing up – she’s in high school now, playing in the marching band – but Nick isn’t any less protective. He struggles with it, knowing she has to learn how to take care of herself, but the Cone of Protection still exists.

 

From Chapter 3:

 

I met up with Caroline and her buds outside the band room. The plan was for me to drive Tyler and Joanna home before Caroline and I made the 45-minute trek to Bolingbrook.

Caroline had a better idea. Even I thought so.

“Can we get ice cream?”

We’d made this improvisation before. “You girls know the drill,” I said to her friends. “Send your mom or dad a text to ask, then show me they said it was okay.”

Apparently they had me pegged as a soft touch; the requests were already approved. Both girls nearly broke my nose shoving cell phones in my face

Sundae School was busy, not packed. I bought sundaes for all three girls – typical, and a primary reason I’m so popular when it comes to giving rides – and a milkshake for myself. I always got milkshakes when playing chauffeur, on the off chance we’d have to leave before I was ready. It’s hell to eat a sundae and drive at the same time.

I took my shake far enough away for them to be sure no eavesdropping took place. Tyler’s father got himself busted six months earlier and had yet to redeem his reputation. I maintained a line of sight so they wouldn’t have to find me when it was time to go.

Twenty minutes later two boys/young men I’d noticed sitting in a far corner made a detour on their way out to pass near my charges. No big deal. The boys looked like high school seniors or college freshmen. For all I knew they were friends or relatives of one of the girls.

A couple of minutes later Tyler’s and Joanna’s body language stiffened. Caroline was still cool, but she knew I was close and would handle anything too uncomfortable. The other girls had no such assurance.

These were always awkward situations. My first impulse was to go over and sort these boys out, but the girls needed to learn how to deal with social dilemmas; my best role was safety net. I finished my shake and was watching the situation play out when Caroline peeked over her shoulder in my direction.

I moved with an unhurried stride. Tossed my empty cup in a trash bin on the way over. Took each boy by an elbow to steer them past the girls’ table and toward the door.

This produced the expected reaction.

“Hey! What the fuck, man?”

“Who the hell are you?”

I didn’t speak until we cleared the door. Kept my voice in the register Caroline calls menacing. “I’m conducting a survey and want to ask you a couple of questions.”

These were Arlington Heights toughs, which meant South Side ten-year-olds would steal their lunch money before pantsing them. The taller one said, “You’re not going to like the answers if you don’t turn us loose, asshole.”

“First question: do either of you know what it’s like to eat soup through a straw for…I don’t know. Six to eight weeks? However long it takes a broken jaw to heal.”?”

Not the question they’d expected. “Uh…no.”

“Second and last question: would you like to find out?”

For sure not what they expected. All I got were head shakes.

“Then fuck off.”

            And off they fucked.